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Ehson

You are one of my best friends ehson! I fucking love you as a person and can't be my real honest self to nearly anyone except the people I care this much about. 3... 4 people tops. And you are there. We are sooo weird, we are such a dysfunctional weird thing right now. And I am sorry I hurt you. I've said it a million times since then, okay like FOUR because I never get out what I need to say.. and I still mean it. I wish I never would have hurt you that much or let such serious feelings get so seriously fucked over. And... thank you for caring about me so much. You took care of me, you do.. and i know you care. And that means so much. I would do anything I could to help you out or for you. Just... read this someday, please. Because sometimes we say all the words in the world and in the end it doesn't even mean as much as what a small summary of the truth could have said. if... that makes sense. Everything is so cryptic. I'm going to miss you like fucking crazy :( you're like my best friend here. I see you everyday pretty much! I just :( I just am really going to fucking miss you and i'm sorry I don't know what else to do except for write this... when i could be with you going out. I just need to sleep. A lot is going on. And thank you more than anything for being my friend. <3 bullshit you'll never see me again. You can't get rid of me that easy :P

Deleted Post.

I do not think I will ever believe the fact that I am not out of my mind...
Sometimes I wonder
What
The
Fuck
AGAIN
I wish those fuckers didn't have any power over me
Number ONE and his stupid girl drama bullshit just makes me want puke
Number TWO with his creepy shiesty smoooth way of getting to me
Number THREE with his confusing bs that I just want to STOP
FUckin boys, man
BOYS
If ANYTHING, there are no men in that entire bunch
YEAH, thats harsh, but its really true...
I'll give mr.one the benefit of the doubt, and give him talk ranking "GROWN" spot. But fuck dude...
I can't even figure out what I WANT anymore. I don't WANT to get myself hurt again, but then again I don't WANT to make that big of deal out of anything anymore. If I just fucking keep myself safe I'll be fine.
I know 1) Not to trust guy #1 all the way and wouldn't ANYWAYS, because thats just me. And there is far too much evidence to convince me otherwise. 2) Guy #2 is OVER, we are OVER. My stupid talking to you or having a weakness for you has NOTHING to do with the fact that my brain is so much OVER you, and BETTER THAN YOU, that I could never bare myself to talk to you all the way, or SEE you, or let THIS shit happen that you're trying to happen. You will not show up and you will not get me back. THe end. AND THREE 3) #3, is so crazy and confusing. But, the most GENUINE of all. But... I do not want anything more than friends right now. I DON'T! I need more guts to just SAY that flat out, but I don't. I heart him like a best friend, but we would not work, and I cannot handle that.
And why does it always sound like i have guy problems ripping me in every direction? I just wish they weren't always the same guys. Or SIMILAR guys. "You have such GREAT taste in guys, Samantha".. .Says ehson today
Fuck you
lol, seriously though. I DON'T, but it's like... i'm SMARTER about it, I use my HEAD about it... they just happen to not be perfect. Who the fuck is perfect? And why would i want them anyways. I'm fucked up enough... if I had a completely normal guy I think i'd fuck him up
UGGGgggh
I'm already showing AJ my fucked up side with all this bs going. It kind of sucks! So bad.
UUUgggggggghhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Two weeks left
Fuckin' Out

I need to just let some shit out

AS I SAID
I need to just let some shit out
So normal people should just skip this post....



!!
So alright. There is so much tearing inside me it's insane. And I meant tearing like RIPPING. In every direction in every emotion. I haven't talked to my dad in weeks, he told me to have a good fuckin life. He's so fucking immature. And I lash out! See! It makes me angry to think about! But deep down I'm so fucking sad. And I just won't let it go! I AM mad. But it's never going to solve anything. I can't keep being as stubborn as him. Thats the fucking point. But IS IT. I don't even know.
But then..getting so stoned all the time. I convince myself out of everything. Right now I got distracted by animal house, and just told myself when i looked back.. "you're fine see?". But that's a scary thought. UGh.
Haha
Animal house.
I love being stoned :P
I WILL cut down this summer. I will. And i'm starting to think I don't want to make this a rant.
I SAW HIM
THERE. Telling someone. Even if it's you. YEAH YOU. YOU WHO I SAW. You know who you are. And I have a feeling you read this. That's all I'll say. But why am I so high-spirited about this? This feels. AH. I don't even KNOW. Because I'd break down if I don't? Ha, literally, in everyway... physically, mentally, all the other things that are happening in life I can't handle making this a big deal. I really am just having to put so many things on the god damn back burner to keep myself in check. And thats good... don't get me wrong, i'm proud of myself almost.. cause I'm getting it together. But then... THIS. I have to let it GO. I Miss my fucking dad. I miss my fucking MOM, i miss my house i miss my life. I miss HIM that fucker. Ha, he won't read this. But in all high spirits I meant fucker in the lightest of ways. But fUCK.
II
IIIIIi.
I can't stop eating. This is how i know i'm upset. I can't even believe how much weight I lost before. And thats not even cocky, because people kept telling me! And i was like pssh wtf, back off... I felt gross, stuff wasn't fitting.. then i ate SHIT loads at home, and Blammy. not bad. These fucking drugs from the doctor make me feel crazy, like hallucinate almost like. WOAH. And drowsy whatever. ZERTEK. Fucking A. Joint problems ear problems heart and everything ellllse.
And I keep telling myself to keep high spirits
THERES some proudness I should have. Ha, but fuck man. Its like... it still KILLS me. But. I can make myself worry more about more important things? Ha, but thats good though. Health and such is a good thing to be worried ab

I am sorry ladies and gentlemen. But i cannot handle this. Someone needs to slap me silly and tell me whats what. I just devored the rest of my slice of
gaaaah
I'm crazy
I am. This shit is driving me crazy. Josh. My dad. Aj. Image. MY BRAIN. Ehson. Future. Money. Health.
Halfway through that I paused. And then it just spiiiiiled out. Thats IT. Thats WHAT IT IS
FUCK josh for fucking with my head. Ha, I know its not his fault really. but IT IS. You're not LOOKING AT IT THE SAME WAY I AM. Don't. Don't do that...
Restraining is restraining and you made me fucking smile and you got that talking shit before, but it was all a plot. I know it. This is not okay. You ASKED like good... thing? Then SHOW UP like, a normal thing?? When its not. But. FUCK.
All I can say it but, fuck. And everytime i think butt. fuck.
My insides hurt :(
That doctor fucked me up more. Pump me with drugs and send me away. I Feel CRAZIER and in MORE pain and MORE head-hurtiness. Fucking ALLERGIES?!? Bulging fluid. Wtf.
This is so long and i hope everyone left it alone like they should. I want to make this private I think. Fucking private. Not that all my friends on livejournal actually have it up on friends to read :P ;) but hey not many people update as much as me lately anyways. i take like MONTH breaks but sometimes I just got to get this fuckin shit out. I took a typing thest the other day and when I know what i'm saying or ranting like this I can do like 75 wpm. I think thats cool and crazy. hah and because of that I tried to type the last two lines as fast as I could.
Ehson is asleep on the bed
He's so weird, i stg. And if you ever read this just nkow i mean in like. Dude, just ... confusing. Tell ME not pass out. But hey, i know WHY, but then YOU don't want it like that anymore... cause then you just can't handle it. And I just can't handle that. And I don't even want that. And i mean that in all ways. Just... don't want it
Just like i don't want the dad bs. Or the josh bs. Or the aj bs or the
You're awake
haha, maybe it was my fast typing
Or you Went. MAAAAAAAH
Omfg I think you were asleep.
hahahahaha let me add too that this is such a high post. But ehson fucking made a loud noise in his sleep. Like if someone was about to stab you in slo-mo. "MAaaaaaah" or "MMOOOOOOOHH" like "NOOooo"
ha. Wow. Okay... so. Do i tell josh what I really think? yes. Yes i do. Then...
Get to sleep. Fuckin a.
Yoga tomorrow morning. HOttttt.. mmmm. Clear this fuckin drama
GooooodNIGHT

Bitches, whores, and the f

Sometimes I think we'd all be better off if everyone could just accept the fact that sometimes the truth HURTS. Not all painful things are wrong. Pain is life. Mistakes are life. FLAWS are life. And the sooner we can accept that, and accept them... the sooner we can move on
Rise ABOVE them
be STRONGER than them... be bigger than them.
I'm not as hard on myself as I think sometimes, but I know I am. Then I realize, compared to so many people, i am a fucking NAZI! Who the hell can't take a step back and look at themselves from someone else and see the most obvious mistakes or messups...?
Most people.
SOME, and a lot... will make a big mistake and then after time, come to realize their mistake. But some, will never listen.
STUBBORNNESS, is what it is. And frankly, I hate it. Because it isn't just that... It's pride, it's fear of rejection or admittance to failure... it's ego! it's so many different things...
I hope someday to feel like i don't judge people harsher than I judge myself, but sometimes I do. I feel BAD sometimes for pointing out flaws or finding OBVIOUS bad things in people, because I know I have them in me! So where does it make it ok? And where does it make it acceptable to point out or expect change from?
I don't know
BUT....
The more acceptance we could get in life... the better



But after typing that and going of the AIM for a few minutes I question how much acceptance I actually have!!
Horrible. horrible

Drugs

Get off one drug and go to another. He was the fucking perfect drug. The worst drug. Love is the perfect drug, or the worst. Both?
I think too many pills have brought this wave of emotion onto me
and I, my friend
am drowning
I am never this down, never this automatically pulled into sadness...
today has been horrible
Awful, in fact
Maybe, in part, it was due to my dad just calling me a moron? Or last night calling me mentally challenged. thats just a fraction

..I'm watching across the universe again... I hope it cheers me up

Should I take the opana? Or are pills the fucking reason this sucks..
Or is it that nothing makes sense right now?
Maybe I should lay off all drugs for a while
Sometimes it sounds crazy
Sometimes it sounds amazing
No weed, no pills, no alcohol, no nothin'.. for like a, fraction.
I think I'm going to try a definite detox over summer when i'm back...
He doesn't smoke anyways ;-)

...I still am curious to what we could be, and i'm not scared or confused or freaked about that, I just kind of want to be back to that. Fuck other stuff right now. Emotions are shoved up their own asses and can't even distinguish THEMSELVES from each other anymore...
hah
Oh look.. now i've completely lost it
Love me cancerously
Like a salt-sore soaked in the sea.
'High-maintenance' means
You're a gluttonous queen
Narcissistic and mean.
Kill me romantically
Fill my soul with vomit
Then ask me for a piece of gum.
Bitter and dumb
You're my sugarplum.
You're awful, I love you!

CHORUS
She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
And when her edges soften
Her body is my coffin
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed

Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead! Love me dead!

You're a faith-healer on T.V.
You're an office park without any trees
Corporate and cold
Gushing for gold
Leave me alone.
You suck so passionately
You're a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature
finger-bangin' my heart
You call me up drunk
Does the fun ever start?
You're hideous and sexy!

REPEAT CHORUS

Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead! Love me dead!

SOLO

Love me cancerously
Brrrot-dot-da-d-da-da!
How's your new boy?
Does he know about me?
You've got the mark of the beast.
You're born of a jackal! You're beautiful!

REPEAT CHORUS

Wha' 'bout that sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead!

What the FUCK is wrong with me

SEriously.
What the FUCK is wrong with me lately
My head is sooooo crazy
I think AJ is fucking with me. Honestly. I do. I don't even care if he ever reads this. I have so many doubts. I think he's bs! I think it's shady his phone is on. I think I'm paranoid and scared. I AM scared.
I'm questioning everything.
I wish I could name names on here but theres chances that ALL these people will see it..
FUCk it!
Ehson, josh, aj... Hey fellas ;-) whoever ever reads this. I don't care.
My brain is fucked in the head about men.
BOYS.
We won't go into which ones are which
Besides josh
You are. Don't get me started. Fuck you. Theres that. If you're reading this: Stop checking up on me. And if you read this later in life: Know I'm saying that out of bitter and a horrible ending. But a needed one. So luck to you. You're fucked. We got fucked. Blah blah I'm stoned...

So...
AJ... fucking with me? maybe ;-)
And totally amy... ifyou're reading this. Most of the time I think about who reads this. And honestly. I could care less! I don't care if anyone reads this! It'd be weird to almost! My crazy rants.. sometimes high, some fucked up, all crazy... random
But hey...

whatev

Boys suck. Men, sex, attraction...all that shit is blurrin to me right now. Boys and men and emotions are trippin me out. I think I'm feeling things I shouldn't be and then I can feel these crazy other things. Man...
Someday when I stop smoking I hope everything becomes clear and I was like "thank god I was just stoned" I mean... because its not just NATURALLY being dingy and weird and. nuts. and forgetty
Damn.
too stoned
Sleepy time....

Out of my mind

I'm out of my miiiind.
Sometimes I wish this wasn't public all the way or that certain people would never read it :(
My head is so confused
I'm so ... Blurred

You're killing me sweetly with...

I WANT HIM HERE
Everything else aside. I want him here. I think things would be better. It would be STUPID, but lots of good things are stupid :)
hah... no pun intended.
And no i don't mean him

He is... :) so, yesssss
I have a feeling someday he'll read this but who cares. I also think someone ELSE might read this, but at this point I couldn't care less. You were so...drive-less! Ambitionless... i mean yes, i loved doing nothing with you and could do it forever, but sometimes you have to do SOMETHING. You had no will to improve or go out and just be...doing something better. I don't know what I expected of you, you always thought I held all these high expectations for you. I just wanted you to SHOW ME SOMETHING. You couldn't get a job for me or show some ambition for me? I was 18 and you were 25...then i was 19 and you were 26. I wasn't supposed to be the adult. GRANTED, you shouldn't have been either, thats not what i was looking for... but I was looking for someone who was on my level at least
In the end it's what fucked us over. It's a big part of life. And he even said it...
I'm scared. I don't know if i even want to PUT myself into this, or out there... but i don't have anything holding me back. But nothing holding me there :)
I'm better because of the shit you put me through. I'm SMARTER :) more confident in me. I can be happy on my own, and I can pull myself out of anything.

But as far as him coming here, where to be for summer, WHAT I WANT IN LIFE> AHhhhh
No idea yet :P
I totally dig him though its insane.
Butterflies...